Desperate Grasps
by Fanfickera
Summary: After multiple lifetimes alone, the Cullens and the Alpha return, allowing the lone wolf of La Push to search for Leah. Wolfpack SEQUEL to They're All Gone.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N – This story is a sequel to **_**They're All Gone**_**. You'll want to read that first for a full background of what's happening.**

Embry's POV

They're finally coming back. I've done just as charged and Esme's house remains in order, an untarnished monument to her eternal beauty.

I phased this morning, just as I do every morning, to hear him and avoid her. Jacob's voice is as light and carefree as it ever was...my Alpha. I spit out the word in my mind. Alpha? Alpha of what? Of a people who don't believe in ancient stories? Alpha of wolves long dead? Alpha of me...and...her?

My love for my Alpha has become something dark and twisted. I care for him because I must, it's a pull as unwanted and as hated as imprinting. The blind devotion that led me then was long ago replaced simply by a need to follow a command.

"_Protect La Push"_

The command is as powerful now as it was decades and decades ago. How many years has it been – a century? Two? What the fuck is time when you're frozen in it?

I take my food and go upstairs to her room. I started eating in here years ago because...well...I hated eating alone. Pressing my nose into a pillow, I sniff for a scent that I know is long since gone. I struggle against myself, fighting the urge to go to the closet. It's better there – her scent, but I don't want to waste it. I know that the more I open them, the more I lose her scent.

Them?

They are her clothes. After she left, I kept her dirty laundry in the hamper because the scent was the strongest there. When it got weaker, I stuffed the clothes into a series of plastic bags hoping they'd retain her smell. I keep smaller pieces under my pillow in plastic and sniff just before going to bed.

Today, I lose the fight again and open the plastic. I have to. I hate to eat alone.

My first thought in the morning is of her. Did Our Leah eat last night? Is she cold, alone, scared, hurt...alive? The despair is broken by the command: _Protect La Push_ and so I go and patrol an empty forest.

As I'm heading back, I catch a familiar scent accompanied by laughter that sounds like bells and wind chimes caught in spring breezes. I feel the press of a nearby phase.

"_EMBRY!"_

I hear his happy call and I feel nothing but disdain. My feelings shock him and I feel his hurt. Should I have censored my feelings? I don't even know if I can anymore. I haven't had anyone to shield my thoughts from in so long...

"_Oh my sweet Em!"_

Ah Esme. Yes, she'd be happy to see me. I try to remember how much I loved her then and for seconds I do...but a memory of love and a feeling of love are two different things.

"_EMMY!" _

The wolf rolls his eyes. His only feelings attached to this one stem from two other wolves and they all led to hate. Jacob's love for her was the cause of this and Leah's hatred of her name brings back memories filled with laughter. God, I hate this one.

I hear a series of growls from a wolf and an undead man.

I don't care.

"_Embry...I'm...well-"_

"_Please release the command."_

"_Of course, but Em-"_

"_Release me."_

Finally free, I run. I hear their shouts and I can sense that Jacob knows this is the last time he will ever see me. Whatever I find, this will only end one way: me finding Leah...either in this world or the next.


	2. Chapter 2

**Leah's POV**

I left because I had to.

It was all too much for me and hadn't I gone though enough? You can expect to lose parents, but so soon? You can expect to be heartbroken, but so cruelly? Still, I'd handled these things. Back then, I had support, I had my Seth, my Jacob and my pack.

But even those were eventually taken from me.

It started when Jacob left – for good. He ordered us to watch our territory and help Sam's pack protect La Push. He claimed that he'd be back someday, so we did as he asked. We had no choice really.

We ran the woods and I found happiness. I found a friendship in Quil and in Embry and the growing Claire who, as she aged, became a sister and best friend. My love for Seth grew as he did, along with my pride. When he imprinted, the overwhelming amounts of jealousy and sense of loss I felt were only overpowered by the joy I felt for his happiness. Maybe I wasn't destined for it, but if anyone deserved it, it was Seth.

I attended many weddings and births...and then funerals which became more numerous as the years marched on at unholy speeds. Emily died in her sleep, wrapped in the arms of a dead but slightly warmer Sam. Community members speculated that he found her in the middle of the night and died immediately of a broken heart. They weren't too far off. I was the guardian of their now adult children and I was three persons to them: Leah, mom's dead cousin in their youth; Sarah, Leah's daughter and finally Leah – the granddaughter and 3rd cousin to their children. I floated in and out of their lives, a visiting relative who was eerily similar to the lady in the picture found in Sam's wallet. When the time came, I attended their funerals too.

I saw Claire's beauty fade and be replaced by the mask of aged wisdom and finally by a mask of death. Quil joined her after making final arrangements. I stood in the back during their double funeral, my left hand held in the aging hands of my younger brother and my right hand, clutched in Embry's hands that were just as youthful as my own.

Embry was the pack's Gamma. He was my confident and playmate for many decades. When times got too sad, we'd run like children, laughing in the forest, laughing in our shared mind, running like a couple of fools. We jumped off cliffs when our hearts were bleeding. We lept over gorges when the pain threatened to rip us in two. He walked naked though the forest after a 3 day constant run, simply holding hands, when Seth was taken away.

Oh Seth...

My soul was ripped from my chest when I found him in the floor – his cane still clasped in his hand. My shrieks scared the neighbors. I'd been hidden from them for decades in case anyone remembered, but in that moment, I knew nothing about keeping secrets. I only knew that the most pure thing in my life was gone. I knew that I would never be loved by anyone else so powerfully. To have that taken away, to have joy leave your life in an instant was too much.

Strong arms came and took me away. I fought the entire time.

"They can't see you here Leah."

Seth's funeral was massive – the biggest anyone had seen since the deaths of Sam and Emily seventy years earlier. In the back, unnoticed, stood an unmoving beautiful woman, held up by an equally beautiful man.

Embry didn't leave my side after that. It took years, but he made me laugh every so often. He indulged me when I played the visiting rich relative to the grandchildren and great grandchildren of the pack.

He'd sit with me for hours, just holding my hand on the sofa or letting my head rest against his chest. There were some days, weeks really, when we didn't speak at all. A smile, a touch, a nod of understanding was all the communication we needed.

But one day it hit me.

This was not just my life. This was my eternity – an eternity locked under the command of an Alpha whose full sum total of duty was telling US to "protect La Push."

And so I begin to practice, every day. Night and day. I tried to break the Command and release myself from him. I did it in secret, I knew that Embry would stop me by Alpha force or will of his own. Withdrawing deeper and deeper in to myself, I hurt La Push.

I started small, breaking windows, just to see if it could be done. It caused me physical pain to do it, but each time it hurt less and less. I burned large expanses of forests – killing flora and fauna and it hurt. But again, each time, less and less.

Some years later I was walking town when I heard the screams of a panicked woman. I followed the sounds and when I saw what was happening, I turned around and walked away.

The last chains of the Command broke.

I went home that night and smiled at Embry across the table. I held his hand with one of my own while eating with the other. I would miss him so much. I knew that. I tried to push the thought aside while tears collected in my eyes and lumps of hurt gathered in my throat.

"Shh, I'm here"

He took our plates to the living room and pulled me with him. There we sat on the sofa, my head on his shoulder and ate silently. I needed to go to my room and pack, but I couldn't...

...I hated eating alone.

When I finally went to bed, I screamed into my sheets. Shaking, I pulled out a sheet of paper and wrote five words: _I'm sorry, but I can't._

**A/N: I tried to convey a sense of complete loss in this chapter and I hope that came across. Let me know your thoughts.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Leah POV**

I ran to escape my life and begin a new one. I shed everything – my name, my identity and my accent before getting a job as waitress at a truck stop in Oklahoma. Using Cullen money that I'd earned though blood and loss and tears, I rented a home on the edge of town. My job, it wasn't so much for cash as it was for life and sanity.

I got to see people coming in and out of town – folks I knew I'd never see again. Not because they died of old age or anything, but just because they lived. They lived and their lives took them away. And so for the few brief moments I had them at my table, I was connected to them and enjoyed learning of their lives.

I thought of My Embry often, stuck in his routine of patrolling La Push. I wept for him every night, but I knew he wouldn't have been strong enough to break the Command and I had no choice but to leave him alone. I wrote letters that were addressed and stamped but never mailed. In each letter, I told him about my life, my day at work, my home and even the plants in my garden.

Yes, I'd become a gardener! I'd become normal!

Well kind of. Every now and then I'd phase, but only at night, just before I went to bed to make sure I didn't sense any danger. I never heard anyone else in my head a night. My Embry phased in the mornings for patrol and as for Jacob, well, I imagine his nights were spent in the arms of an impossibly named halfling.

With the viewing of other people and their lives, my old life seemed to fade away – except for on my days off. On those days, I couldn't catch a meal between shifts. On those days, I had to eat alone.

_~~~ Years later~_

I've played this game many times now. Stay a few years, then run off to another state, another city and another truck stop. Each time I met the same stories – new faces, but same stories, same lives and same dreams. This time I find myself in Maine, far from anything familiar.

That's when I met him, at the Borderline TruckStop. He was a short haul trucker and came in every few days to flirt, tell me stories and he eventually fell in love with me. It had been years since I'd been in love and and I went into his arms as willingly as he went into my heart.

I needed this man. He knew nothing of my past and nothing of my misery. I was new and pretty and whole to him and I needed to be all of those things for someone. The courtship was short but fierce and he asked me to marry him before the year was out.

The night before our wedding, I told him that I'd leave him in a few years, maybe ten. I promised him that I'd love him completely, but that my devotion had a time limit. He didn't press me on why, he loved me too much. Instead, he just agreed and we were happy.

We were so happy that I stayed ten years. We spent that anniversary on a cruise ship. I supposed he remembered what I'd say so long ago and figured that I couldn't run from him while at sea.

For our 11th Anniversary we went to France with money he's saved, just for the occasion.

On our 12th Anniversary, we renewed our vows and he called himself a lucky man for keeping me. That little fool – I was the lucky one.

On our 13th Anniversary we sat on a beach and he looked at me in wonder. He blamed my youth and glow on genes...but genetics can only get you so far. I blamed pills, elixirs and cheap plastic surgery.

I loved him and I trusted him to love me. On our 14th wedding anniversary, I stopped phasing. I would die with this man. I was the perfect wife and he, the perfect husband. All of those years of hurt and sadness were for this and I was thankful. I prayed to every god my people knew, to let the spirits of my father, my brother and pack know that I was ok. I dropped letters in the ocean, letters to the souls of Mom and Sam and Claire and even Emily, that I was finally happy. I wrote carefully scripted notes of apology and hope and thanksgiving. As I tossed the last note into the sea, I felt them smiling. It started to rain and I believed that the rain drops were their tears of joy. That's how I spent my 14th wedding anniversary, not upset that he was on the road earning money for us, but happy that I had private time to tell my family of my joy and fulfillment.

The day after our 14th Anniversary, my husband died in a trucking accident and my reality cracked for a final time. I phased and my humanity died.

**Next Chapter: Embry focused**

**A/N: I really want to thank everyone who reviewed the last chapter – it really means a lot to have people enjoy your writings. I got a few PMs and reviews mentioning that Ch 2 made them cry and, if its any consolation, I was sobbing when I wrote it. **


	4. Chapter 4

**Embry's POV**

Nothing was more certainly written in the book of fate than me finding My Leah. The need to make us whole again consumes me. Leah had long been my central focus in life, although her role in it was never quite defined. We were never what she and Sam were, nor what she and Jacob were. We were simply us. I miss the feel of her shoulder against mine or her hair in the wind whenever we jumped off the cliffs.

I have to find her to yell at her, to hate her and to love her. Love? That's not the right word. What we had was beyond love and definitely beyond imprinting. Love is caring and sex. Imprinting was an curse. WE were so much more than that. I was her friend. I was in her head and in her soul. Lovers and imprints would have killed to have had the connection we shared. A part of me hates her for leaving. A larger part of me blames others for making her leave. If Leah is alive, I'll kill them for her. She can stay when they are gone. We'll come back to Esme's our house and be happy again.

These thoughts of revenge and hate take over my mind and I know that the Embry everyone loved so long ago is being replaced by something darker. For a time I hear nothing, not even Jacob. At least not anymore. For the first few months, he was there, but he didn't speak when he phased. He knew my thoughts. He hoped they'd change. He prepared in case they didn't. I sent him one final thought.

_I hate you._

Then the pack bond severed and I was alone again.

Years passed into other years and time showed itself again as the burden it had always been. I travel first north, then east. Each month without her voice adding to my misery. Why is she not here? Did she do the unthinkable? I refuse to believe she would leave me so completely, but it has been so long. Each step into another day is a journey further and further into hopelessness. My heart feels like it's being weighed down with bricks and every time I put a paw down to move onwards, it takes all my energy to bust through walls of despair and thoughts of futility.

Sometimes I think I can hear Leah, but she makes no sense. Her thoughts are jumbled and I can't be sure if it's really her or just my twisted imagination. At night I see visions of a small wolf wandering alone and I call to her, but it's too difficult to break though that mess she (it?) calls a mind. No, it can't be Leah – I understand Leah down to her soul. I ignore the connection with this sad, pathetic creature and try to focus on My Leah.

As another winter comes, I find caves to warm myself and cry in. Naked, in human form, I scream and punch the walls until I bleed – pain the only release for my agony. It is in this final winter that I release myself from bondage. As I give in, I project with all my energy one final thought: "_Come." _

I'm tired. The man inside of me is dying – the wolf takes over.

**Female Wolf's POV**

Leah was dead now. I faintly remember a person I used to be and sometimes I wonder if she was just a human I stalked for too long. I know I'm not like the rest of the wolves I see, but as time passes on, I become more and more like them. I'm surely not like the humans and I have a powerful need to escape them. Moving further and further northwest, I leave their towns and cities behind and take shelter in the deep, cold, forests.

I roam alone encountering different packs along the way. Sometimes I stop, most times I run past. I run. They follow. I'm fast. They get tired and stop at unseen territory boundaries. I think that I've always been fast.

Hunting alone is tough for me and it makes me feel lonely and wrong. I'm a bad wolf – I need a pack. I had a pack once...I think. I can't be sure. Memories are unfaithful things that sometimes twist reality with fantasy.

Today, I found another pack. Their bitches hate me and the males smell funny. I want to mate, but not with them. Just as I am about to move on, I notice a small wolf. A young male...very young... with fur the color of sand.

My heart breaks again and I don't know why. This wolf reminds me of someone I knew years ago. A voice from with me, a distant female human voice that I hadn't heard in ages, whispers a broken and ragged word, "Seth."

I do not know this word. None of these wolves interest me. I move on.

_Hunt. Sleep. Move. Hunt. Sleep. Move_.

I have been restless for countless moon cycles. I am sad to continue on, but I must. I don't understand why. I need an Alpha. My decisions and actions are senseless. I need someone with me.

"_Come"_

I hear a new voice in my head. It's not the human female, but something else. Someone else? Another wolf?

I go further west.


	5. Chapter 5

**Female Wolf**

"_Come"_

Her paws carried her to the male's voice. She didn't understand how, but she knew where to go: further north and even further west. She wondered if this was the voice she heard earlier. Had it been a voice she knew in her past? Who owned it and why was she compelled to go? She liked it though, this voice- it had a good sound. She wanted to stop for food, but couldn't, the pull to some unknown location too strong.

"_Go"_

The human female voice inside the wolf was faint, but urging. She went, flowing its desperate plea.

**Male Wolf**

He remembered his humanity – he hadn't too long ago left it behind. He knew the decision he had to make and he had to make it quickly. Should he keep the last traces of humanity and hurt or give in completely to the wolf and begin a new life? He chose the latter. Bonds tying Embry to the wolf grew weak as he sunk further and further away. Before he was just out of reach, the wolf sent a comforting pulse: "I will heal us, I will make us better. It is okay forget."

**Female Wolf**

Her legs could not carry her fast enough even as she ran night and day. An urgency grew, a need to be with that voice, though she couldn't understand why. She tried to communicate with him but her barks and howls did not carry as far as they needed to...they didn't float from her head to his. The wolf wished she had not pushed the human female aside. She would have been able to call him back.

Anxious and happy, but mostly scared, wild thoughts carried though her mind. "What if the male voice is not there when I get there? If I cannot tell him that I am coming, will he leave? Can I live without him"

She pressed on, no longer in control. She vowed to get there or die in the process.

Finally, the day arrived.

**The Spirits look down:**

A lone male wolf lifted his head to the breeze and caught what he thought was a familiar scent. Not too far away, a female ran, tired and out of breath, but when she made it, she felt peace. The female wolf couldn't fully understand what she was thinking or feeling, but if she had a memory or even a concept of home, she realized that it would smell like this.

As the Spirits of those long dead, those who once loved them looked down, they saw the two wolves meeting in a clearing. They viewed the pair sniffing at each other cautiously and they watched with open laughter as the female freely submitted for the first time in her tragically long existence.

The male licked her face, telling her that he accepted her submission just before pressing his muzzle to hers. He made a turn to leave and she followed him without hesitation. He led the female back into the woods where he'd recently made a kill. Going over to the carcass, he brought back a leg in his mouth, offering it to her. He sat down and waited...he hated to eat alone.

-Later-

**Embry's POV**

Later that night, my wolf called me to the surface and I shifted back to human form, something I thought I'd never do again. Angry and bitter, I couldn't understand why this was happening. I'd given up. I'd made a conscious decision to leave this form and with all the feelings and memories that had caused me so much suffering. I tried to force a phase, but I couldn't. I knew the wolf was there, but he refused to come out.

"Damn it!"

Aggravated and pacing, I made my way to the back of the cave where, curled in a ball in the corner, was a little sleeping wolf. When I realized what had come to us, or rather, who had come to us, I thanked my wolf and collapsed in the dirt, sobbing like a child. Silently crawling closer to her, I observed the creature that had been my existence for so many years. My tears bathed us both.

My crying grew louder, uncontrollable and the she-wolf woke up, poised to attack. Quickly I phased back to my wolf form and reached out to her mind. It was a wreck. I couldn't get any real thoughts out of it, just emotions: fear, confusion, anxiety.

I projected waves of calm in her direction and sent out only one solid word: _Mate._

The she wolf cocked her head to the side in such puppy-dog way that I had to bark out a laugh. I'd remind her of this...when she was better.

Realizing that I intended no harm, Wolf Leah came up to me and sniffed every inch of my body before finally putting out a scent that seemed to indicate I was to her liking. I gently pushed her away and I saw the distress in her eyes. Again, only wanting to send feelings and not complicated sentences that she couldn't understand, waves of care, concern and patience drifted from me to her. It's not that I didn't want to, but I wanted my Leah whole...and human...at least the first time.

_Food._

I sent the word along with images of us hunting together. She didn't know it, but those images were memories. Sadness of long ago crept into my mind and Leah, even without fulling understanding why, came to comfort me, sidling up to me and whimpering. The love I radiated back came out sharply, too sharply, nearly forcing her to the ground under the weight of it's magnitude.

I felt Wolf Leah try to work through the emotions. I saw that the best her mind could handle, at the moment, was that she was cared for and protected. That was enough for me. With one final nudge, we walked out of the cave, she following just two steps behind.

We tracked the scent of a traveling herd and shifting pictures back and forth between us, planning an attack. Fast as always, she was glorious in her lethality, going for the neck of a young buck while I swooped in to finish him off. Wolf Leah walked away from the kill and sat patiently, but without explanation, I couldn't grasp her reasoning.

After several moments, a weak picture was projected in my head: me eating while waited for her turn. I was her Alpha and she wanted me to go first. "Silly little girl, don't you remember?"

The words were too much for her.

Feeling her confusion, I took a couple of bites then pushed her with my muzzle towards the meal. I felt her content. She felt mine. It was enough for now.

When finished, we ran back to the cave playing and nipping at each other the entire way. That night in our den we curled up together and slept through the night without fear or sadness. I imagine it was the first time either of us had done that in many years.

We spent may days like that and Wolf Leah became better at projecting, not just pictures, but emotions and increasingly thoughts. I phased more and more often around her and she was comfortable walking along with me on four feet while I piddled around on two. Once or twice a day, I'd send pictures of some of her transformations from my memory, hoping that My Leah would grab on to one and claw her way to the surface.

I'd tell her stories that I wasn't too sure she understood and projected images of happier times. Sometimes it was hard, knowing she was in there and unable to get out. I wondered at night, curled up together, if this would be enough for me and frequently considering giving in to my wolf for the rest of my life, just so we could be together in a form that she understood.

One morning, I woke up to see my beautiful little wolf towering over me, looking beyond my face and into my soul. We stayed like that, staring at each other, for hours. By late afternoon I starving, but I knew I couldn't move. Something was happening here and I wanted this to play out. By nightfall, the little wolf took one deep breath, shook her whole body and looked...well...resigned. Rising from her haunches, she projected a desire of wanting to hunt and an image of us playing.

"More than happy to oblige girl!"

Quickly phasing, I took the lead (as always) and we went out to track some food. We ate and ran and ate and played and nipped and jumped and ate and swam and well...we spent three full days without sleep, just having fun. I was beat.

Then the staring contest started again and as much as I loved Leah, I wasn't sure I could hold out much longer. Thankfully this session was relatively short, but it ended the same way as the last one: a look and a sigh.

I sent emotions of love and protection and...a strong desire for sleep. Finding a little cave near the waterfall we'd been hanging near, we curled up and closed our eyes. Sometime in the night, I'd phased and wove my arm around the my little wolf drawing her closer. I felt love radiating from her at all times now, even in her sleep and at that moment decided that even if this was all we'd ever have, that I'd be happy.

I woke up to something crawling on my face. Still halfway asleep, I kept swatting it away, but the little bastard kept inching across my nose.

Opening my eyes, I realized that the "little bastard" was the index finger of a woman who was the reason of my existence. I had no words, just tears as we rocked and held each other. We stayed like that for hours and cried until we were out of tears. Holding her head in my hands, I looked straight into her eyes, wanting to say so much, but my mind was foggy mess of emotion and my throat clenched from hours of crying. I could only manage one word.

"Leah"

I saw a beautiful smile, but she said no words. Instead she phased and indicated that I should do the same. As soon as I did, I was pummeled with feelings of love. I wanted to bath in it but was urged onwards.

"_Go deeper"_

I did. I saw her years flash before my eyes: her hatred of La Push, her waitressing, and her wandering across the country, it all came very quickly. But time began to slow in her mind as I focused on a man - a husband - one that she loved, but who was taken from her. I saw her mind crack under the weight of total loss and understood _why_ her wolf took over. Time sped up again and I saw her as a wolf traveling alone, wanting to belong, but not being able to. Time slowed once again and I saw her, seeing me in the clearing and I felt her feelings of "home." Following her last trails of thought, I saw her wolf staring at me, making sure that I could take care of her, that I could protect her, that she could release control.

It was my turn to project then and I allowed her to see how lonely I'd been without her in that damned house. She was able to feel my need to find her and my hopelessness when I thought she was gone for good. But most importantly, I showed her – I told her – I Alpha Commanded her – that we'd never be apart again. I expected anger, but got nothing but joy at the prospect of an eternity without being alone.

Phasing back to human form, I eagerly waited for her to say something, needing to hear that voice that I'd missed all these decades.

"Embry...I..."

Mouthy Leah, who's not spoken in years, had run out words. I understood though. Everything she needed to tell me, she'd just shown in her mind. Those two words? They were enough for me.

Sometime later, in a place very familiar...

Two beautiful people were seen in an old cemetery on the La Push reservation. They were outsiders and had been followed. Of the two packs and two Alphas watching them, only one of the group of 30 knew their faces. One set of the wolves felt their Alpha's longing while the other set looked anxious, wondering who these people were and why they were laying flowers on the graves of their ancestors.

They saw the man place stones and the head markers of the legendary Alpha Sam and his Beta Jared and they saw him weep openly over graves with names they didn't recognize: Quil, Paul, Brady and Colin. They watched as the woman cleared away the overgrowth and resettle a lopsided and forgotten marker labeled: Seth Clearwater: Husband, Father, Elder, Brother.

The larger pack left and soon the Alpha of the smaller pack told his wolves to do the same. He knew the couple was aware of his presence. He wanted to phase, run to them, gather them up in his arms and apologize, but he was...afraid.

The man took the woman's hand and together they walked away, never looking back. Just as the man got in the car, the wolf heard him give a little "woo-whoop" before shutting the door.

The large russet colored wolf turned back to the woods, but looked over his shoulder one last time. His heart was somewhat lighter than it had been in many years and he watched the two wolves who meant to most to him, begin free lives together.

**A/N: Thank you to everyone who shared this journey with me. Your messages and reviews were appreciated and I hope you enjoyed this story. The tense in the first half wa**


End file.
